Future Wife
by Kuruk
Summary: Some women are just way too old for you... Written for a challenge on The Scarlet Sky's forum.


_Hey all, it's Kuruk!_

_This oneshot was a challenge on _**The Scarlet Sky's**_ forum. It was basically a fic on what would happen if a kid from the games had a crush on an adult... this is the result! :D_

**Disclaimer**: Nope, don't own Harvest Moon... though this would make a nice cutscene... :)

_Enjoy!_

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_**Future Wife**_

Girls are really icky.

Really, they have cooties and they do weird things... the only girls that are okay to be around are grandma, Elli and May... but sometimes I really don't like being around them either... 'cause lots of the time they don't like my bug collection or getting dirty.

See? Weird right?

I never thought that I'd get married... not like Elli and Tim, who _hold hands_ or... or... _kiss. _That's just... ew, gross. I mean... how can Tim not get infected with all of Elli's cooties? It's 'cause he's a doctor, isn't it? Yeah... he must have some cootie shots in the Clinic somewhere...

But one day I found the _perfect_ girl... and the reason she's perfect is 'cause she doesn't act like a girl at all! She wrestles and burps and plays sports and she always wins! The second I saw her I knew I was gonna marry her one day!

It was Karen... the love of my life (at least that's what I heard Mary say one time when she was reading May and me a book about Snow White).

I mean, how could someone _not_ love Karen? She's cool and strong and really pretty. Elli thinks so too 'cause she and Karen are best friends, like me and May.

The problem was I really didn't know how to get a girl to like me! So I thought of people that might know how and I thought of Jack!

Jack's the new farmer in town, but he's not only that, I heard Gray calling him a 'damn lady's man'. I really didn't know what that meant but when I asked Elli she told me it meant a guy that really knew how to get girls to like him.

So Jack's the perfect guy to ask for help.

I went to his farm early one day and knocked on his door. He didn't answer so I did it again... and again... and again... until I heard him screaming really bad words and then he opened the door, looking down at me angrily.

"Is it the freaking Pumpkin Festival already...?" Jack asked, his eyes were surrounded by big black circles, kinda like what Popuri dressed up one day to go around scaring people.

"No..." I replied.

"Well... Then why the heck are you here, kid?" Jack snapped.

If I were May, I would've started crying already, but I remembered that Gray said another time that the only way to get Jack to listen to you was to threaten his 'family jewels'. They must be really valuable then!

I gave him a mean look and made my voice all deep and angry. "If you don't answer my questions... I'll steal your..." I leaned in close to him and whispered the next part menacingly, "_family jewels..._"

Jack blinked a couple of times at me as if he were really surprised and I knew that he'd have to answer my questions! Ha, I'm so cool, getting a grown-up to listen to me!

But then Jack started laughing really loud and I crossed my arms and watched him. Wasn't he scared that I might steal his jewels? When Gray said that Kai had laughed and told everyone that he kept them in his pants...

"Goddess, kid," Jack laughed really hard, "Aren't you a little young to know about those?"

I frowned at him and did what Gray had told Kai to do if 'that creep ever came near Popuri'... I drew my leg back and kicked him right where he always hid his family jewels. Jack fell to the floor and started acting like he was really hurt.

Ha! Take that, meanie!

"Okay, Jack!" I yelled over his screaming, "Now answer all of my questions or else... I'll do that again!"

Jack looked at me as if he were really scared then began nodding a lot and I smiled. Yes! I win!

It sure took Jack a long time to get off the floor. I just waited there, the meanest look on my face. When Jack was finally standing up, he gave me this really mean look. "I'm gonna tell your sister about this..." Then he closed the door! And no matter how much I pounded on it he wouldn't open it!

I couldn't help it... I cried all the way home and when grandma asked me what was wrong I told her she wouldn't understand 'cause she was way too old and I hid under the bed, scared that Elli would find out from Jack what I did...

When Elli came home from work that day she gave me a long timeout and she was really angry... but not as much as me, my plan had failed.

I was really sad for a long time and May was really worried so one day she took me to the Library so that Mary could read us a story... she said that always made anyone feel better, 'cause Mary always did really different voices for all the different characters and she was really nice and read us all the books we wanted.

She was right, that always did make me feel better... I just didn't tell her that.

When we got to the Library Mary was sitting down at her desk writing. Mary's really smart and stuff, so maybe that's why she likes doing so much homework... I mean, I hate it when Carter gives me and May homework 'cause it's usually hard and boring... but Mary's always doing homework... like reading some really big boring book or writing essays.

"Mary," May said, "Can you read Stu and _I_," when she said that she smiled at me, "a story?"

Mary looked at us through her big glasses then gave us this really nice smile. "Yes, of course," she said, "What would you like to read you two today?"

May didn't give me a chance to say anything... Stupid bossy girls... "Something funny, 'cause Stu is sad..." May told her, a frown on her face.

Mary looked at me with a worried look on her face. "Oh my... " she said, pushing her glasses up her nose, "W-well... why don't you two go check upstairs for something that looks good while I setup the table?"

May nodded, really excited and grabbed my hand for us to go but I pulled my hand away and gave her a mean look. Like I was gonna go up there with _her._

May looked sad but she went upstairs anyway. Girls...

I sat down at the table while Mary took all the books off of it and but them back on the bookshelves. I just stared at her and then I noticed something really, really weird...

"Mary?"

"Yes Stu?" Mary asked while putting some books back on the shelves.

I hesitated. "Y-you're... a _girl_, right?"

Mary turned around and looked at me with this really surprised look on her face. "W-well, Stu... y-yes... I am a girl..." she told me while smoothing down her weird shirt-thing.

Then I knew what I had to do. Mary was a _girl_, a nice one too, not like Ann who a lot of the time starts screaming at everyone and running around like she's 'always PMSing' like Duke said one day when he left the Inn... Ann ran out and hit him really hard in the same place where Jack hides his family jewels...

Well... since Mary was a nice girl, then she knew what other girls liked! I could just ask her!

"Mary!" I asked really loud. But then I remembered May was upstairs and I whispered, "Mary... how do you get a girl to like you...?"

Mary looked really surprised this time, even more than last time. She got really nervous too. He started cleaning her glasses and smoothing that shirt-thing and pushing them up her nose when she was done cleaning them.

"Well... t-there are many ways to get a girl to like you, Stu..." she said, getting a little red.

"Please tell me!" I begged. Mary had to tell me! If not, I didn't know what I'd do to get Karen to like me!

But Mary, really nice Mary, pulled through. "Um..." she started, "Girls really like it when you're kind and respectful to them... A gentleman with good manners is always p-pleasant... We also like thoughtful gifts, like flowers or chocolates..."

I nodded, taking everything in that she was telling me... but while she said all that, I couldn't help thinking that grouchy Gray, the guy that was always hanging around here, never did any of those things, at least not around me and May... he was really mean and quiet, so I knew that Mary would _never_ like Gray.

May came downstairs with a book in her hands. She gave it to Mary who, still a little nervous, opened the cover.

"Thanks Mary! I feel a lot better now!" I yelled as I got up and started to run out.

"B-but-," Mary cried, looking at me and at the book back and forth.

"Stu-," May yelled, looking really angry.

I ran out of the Library and ran towards the Clinic, where I knew Elli always kept a box full of chocolates for her 'cravings' and Tim kept flowers in vases all over the place.

I went in, ran past Elli and up the stairs into the her and Tim's room. I dug through her drawers and found the chocolates! Yes! On top of the drawer there was a pot of really pretty blue leaf things, so I tore there out and ran out of the Clinic, ignoring Elli as she cried out a concerned question after me.

I was halfway to the Supermarket when I saw May running at me. "Stu!" she yelled, "Are you crazy? Why did you leave?"

I brushed past her and walked towards the Supermarket, excited. "Stu!" she yelled after me, running ahead of me and blocking my way. She looked at my gifts and then smiled. "A-are..." she turned red, "Those for... m-me...?"

I stopped and looked at her. She was the one that had gone crazy! "No!" I said, and then I started laughing. Why would I give _May_ the gifts? Ew.

May looked like she was about to cry but she looked angry at the same time. "Why?" she screamed, her hands in fists, her face red.

I sniffed and looked to the sky. "'Cause these are for Karen... the love of my life..." I told her. It was obvious. May should know.

Her eyes got real wide and then she started crying and sniffling and I was confused. "M-May...?" I asked, "What's wrong?"

She stomped her foot on the ground, real angry. "You Stu! You! You're so... so... mean! I hate you, you stupid-head! I hate you I hate you I hate you! You're a... typical male! Go... go... play with yourself!" she screamed.

Before I could say anything May ran away. I didn't understand half of what she said, but I don't know why she's so mad...

I was just staring after her when I saw her. Karen! She was walking towards me, looking back behind her with a concerned expression on her really pretty face.

Now was my chance!

I ran towards her and stopped when I was just a few feet away, a big smile on my face. I remembered all Mary had told me and bowed, just like those people on those funny shows do when they're finished acting that grandma watches.

"H-hello, madam..." I said, really nervous.

Karen's beautiful green eyes met mine. My heart was beating really fast... "Hey, Stu," she said before looking over her shoulder, "What's wrong with May? She looked really... um, bothered or something..."

May? Why was she asking about May?

"K-Karen... I mean... ma'am..."

"Ma'am?" Karen asked before I could say anything else, "Geez, Stu, how old do you think I _am_? I mean, I know all kids think grown-ups are like, a hundred, but I'm just twenty-two..."

I couldn't stop myself. "B-but... that's old!"

Karen's face got a little angry. "Stu... you don't say that to girls..." she said, completely serious.

No! Everything was going wrong! I-I... I had to do something fast!

"Here!" I closed my eyes and jerked the presents towards her.

Time passed and I opened my eyes. Karen was looking down at me, a weird look on her face. "What are these for?" she finally asked.

I blushed. "I-it's... it's 'cause... I love you and I wanna marry you!" I blurted.

Before I knew what was happening Karen was laughing and all I could do was stare at her. "Stu," she said, kneeling down so she could look me in the eye, "I really appreciate it and stuff but... um... I'm too old for you..."

I shook my head. "N-no!"

She sighed. "You're what? Five?"

What!? No way she just said that!? "I'm nine and a half!" I yelled angrily.

Karen looked sorry. "Oops... right..." she scratched the back of her head, "Um... Stu... you don't want to marry me... I'm a really bad cook and I'll... umm... spend all your money on wine!" she looked triumphant, "See? Not a good wife. Besides... I'm kinda dating Rick."

Now I knew what all those soap operas Elli watched meant when someone's heart broke. I felt really bad, like something in me wad broken and hurt... but I knew that Tim couldn't fix it even though it felt as bad as the time I broke my arm...

I knew I was about to cry and I couldn't help it. Karen looked really sad and I was making her that way and... and...

Karen hugged me. Real tight. "Stu," she said, "I'd marry you, I really would... it's just that, well... someone else loves you... and I don't want to take you away from her."

That made me really surprised... "What...?" I sniffled, "Who?"

She pulled away and looked around, as if it were a secret. "May," she whispered. I felt like I'd just been kicked like Jack was... "And I couldn't bear doing that to her... and she was so sad that I know I can't Stu," she stood up and made a funny pose like the actresses on Elli's shows did, "Don't make me break her heart, Stu!" she cried, hands on her heart.

I looked at her for a long time. She was still in that pose by the time I answered. "Um... you're not mad that I can't be with you...?"

She looked down at me, a little relieved. "No!" she exclaimed, "It makes me happy to see you and May together! Besides, Rick's an okay guy... holds my hair when I'm drunk and puking, puts up with me... besides, those glasses are damn sexy..." Karen had this faraway look on her face and I had to clear my throat to get her attention again, "S-so..." she said, blushing, "Go get your girl..."

I really was confused and stuff but I nodded and walked away. I heard Karen say "Smooth, Karen! You deserve a beer, of yes you do," but I just kept going, even though it was getting dark.

I was at May's house so soon that I got all nervous again... She still hated me... right?

I walked up to the front door and knocked. I was hoping May's grandpa would open the door but it was May who opened it instead. She looked really surprised to see me but she crossed her arms over her chest and looked at me angrily. "What?" she asked meanly.

"I'm... sorry I made you cry and stuff..." I said lamely.

May was still angry. "I'm still angry at you."

Well, duh.

"Well, you shouldn't be, 'cause..." I handed her the gifts, "You love me and I love you and we're gonna get married one day, right?"

May looked so surprised... then she turned red, and I turned red...

Eventually she took my gifts and held them to her heart and smiled. "I guess... Sorry I called you all those mean things..." she said.

I nodded. "What did you mean by that?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I heard Ann screaming them at Cliff one day at the Inn when she asked him to dinner and he couldn't answer... she was real mad..."

"Scary..." I said, imagining Ann saying those things to poor Cliff.

I nodded and she nodded and then she _kissed me!_

Now we were both _real_ red and we both said the same thing: "Gross!"

I didn't know it then... but one day May and I actually did get married... and at the time, it wasn't gross anymore... weird, huh?

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_A/N: I know, I know... the writing was weird and vocabulary was limited. Well, I was writing from Stu's POV so I had to keep it simple :P_

_Hope you liked. I had **so** much fun with this!! Please review!_


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